::Random thoughts::
Sometimes i feel like i am taken for granted. The feeling is strong and undeniable even though i try to brush it away and tell myself it's okay since we are all friends... it feels as though i was taken on a ride... just like some innocent little boy being coerced into believing anything by using a lollipop. I'm just like a clown.. always out there to please, but nobody will understand what's going on under the facade and the little bright red nose.
Humans are such weird creatures to begin with. Not being contented with being just happy, sad, angry and the basics, they must be paranoid, full of pride and all the extras. So many classic examples of such people i have seen within the past 2 years of my life, regardless of me being in the Army or my friends around me.
How i wish i am forever 16 going on 17. It is the age that people are really enjoying life at its fullest (at least that's what i feel, not being tainted by the society.
Always wax lyrical about how important friendships are and how much i value friends as they form an important part of my life, i am starting to think otherwise. Friendships are actually so volatile. They can be really strong like a covalent bond, or really brittle and subject to destruction when faced with pressure. All the friends forever lines are just paying lip service. How many of us out there actually has got friends that you really regard as friends? I believe it can be counted with just one hand. I am sick and tired of always being the trying party who's always making the effort to maintain the friendship built over the years. I am sick of being the one being snapped at all the time. I'm sick of being the tolerating party that always have to endure your mood swings.
I feel old. Mentally.I abhor the idea of growing up. Too many worries. My ultimate dream now. Migrate out of this country and open a farm.
The life here is making me so sick. It's making a depressed person. Somebody i don't even want to see myself evolving to. Always being Mr Nice is making me sick and tired of life. And i realised. People don't value me at all. Maybe that's what the world is like. People uses each other. And i made the choice to be used. Who can i blame. Myself.
I often ask myself: Why is it that i am always fearful of breaking promises to my so-called friends? Is it because i fear being alone and pitiful with no friends to call of my own? Do i want them to feed my ever-inflating ego? or just simply i am brought up the traditional way of life and just an innocent little boy who still believes something bad will happen to me if i break any promises?
I can't even answer myself. and perhaps the only logical explanation is i brought these to myself.
I hate myself for being so naive sometimes, or maybe all the time. I hate myself for bringing all these miseries to myself. I hate myself for living in fear all the time.
I have an inferiority complex.
